I’ve never been this confused in my entire life. I can’t separate my feelings, and this is the first time that’s ever happened. I don’t want to separate them, because then I know that I’ll have to deal with whatever unnamed taboo I know will be the result. That can’t happen. It never will happen. I shove away everything, and it’s hitting me in increments, but I’m refusing to say what’s right in front of my eyes. Speaking those words will make them true, because seeing is believing, and as long as I don’t breathe it the words will lie dead inside, without the air they need to fester and live. All I now know is that just the mention of your name makes me smile, but with that reserve that proves I’m not all the way in. I can’t tell what goes through my own heart, and that’s both disconcerting and comforting, because maybe for once I can keep everything perfect the way it is.

I think I love with this intensity inside my head, and I feel everything tenfold on the inside, but I have such a hard time showing that to others. In some ways, I’m a very “heart-on-my-sleeve” kind of person, but I think I don’t let myself be as emotional with others as I am to myself. I guard myself and watch my every move so closely that I forget to be truly comfortable with other people, and I’ve finally figured out that there is a disconnect between what I really feel inside and how I express that to others. I think that when I do share my feelings, often all people see is that obsessive side of me, and I can’t make myself be comfortable enough to show them how much I feel everything, and what a terrible, beautiful, terrifying way it is to be on my own. So in many ways I come off as a bit cold-hearted and logical, when in reality on the inside I love everything with the love of ten hearts.

I had a dream that I was falling. It was from the top of the highest building, and I fell through an open window of the top floor, and the elevators were made of glass. They were an omen, and I covered my eyes and curled into the fetal position on the elevators made of glass, because I knew that they couldn’t cage me in.

It was bright. The sun was out, but I couldn’t see it. I moved so fast, whooshing past the floors, and yet I saw each window and wall in great detail, and it took a while because it was the tallest building on Earth, and that just made the fall seem endless.

Then, I pulled an umbrella from my pocket. Like Mary Poppins, I drifted down for the last five feet, and when I woke with the jolt that usually accompanied hitting the ground, I knew that my subconscious saved me, because it knew that I had to be saved.

And that was a comforting thought, that my own mind could be my savior.

And I went back to sleep.

Tomorrow is May 2nd, the day the battle of Hogwarts 14 years ago. The day that Harry, Ron and Hermione snuck back into Hogwarts and destroyed the Horcruxes. The day that Harry finally defeated Voldemort. We remember everyone who fought in the war and all those who died. Fred Weasley, Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin, Colin Creevey, Severus Snape and more. May we raise our wands to those who fought and died. Remember, remember May 2nd 1998.

because i’m a nerd.

(Source: bloodydiadem, via lifeinmiddlec)

I sometimes wonder if people fully grasp the implications of what they’re saying or the words they’re saying fully when they say something deep, or if they’re just talking in circles to sound cool and deep.